How many pictures have you seen where the father is shirtless and holding his newborn child? I’ve seen many pictures, mostly from army spouses when I was an army spouse. I wondered how my husband would bond and attach with our daughter since this was something he hadn’t done. My worries were like those of any new mother. When our daughter was a newborn, she always fell asleep on my husband’s chest. When she turned six months, she became a total mommy’s girl. She didn’t want anything to do with daddy. This caused a lot of emotional heartbreak for my husband. Little did we know, this was just a phrase and also the result of my husband working sixty plus hours a week post military. He worked a lot in the army, but to make up for the income loss, he had to work overtime, in addition to ten hour days. When I daughter turned eleven months old, she was once again attached to daddy. He still works ten hour days and the occassional overtime, but his Christmas vacation is what changed.
I didn’t have plans to take our daughter to see “Santa”. I didn’t want to start off by letting her see a guy in a red suit. Some of my friends (and in laws) thought I was crazy and mean for not wanting to this. But I didn’t want to have to explain later on the little lie she was told from such a young age. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a lover of fairy tales and yes, I believe unicorns and angels are real. But I wanted to tell her about Santa in a different way than what most parents do. However, this is a topic for another time and I’m getting off track. So, back to Santa. I was put off by everyone trying to tell me how I should raise my daughter so I sat her in Santa’s lap to make everyone happy. She screamed and cried. I know, you’re thinking this is normal. No! My daughter is a total diva and princess. She has a different cry for everything. The cry she let out was one of sheer terror. The kind you hear in horror movies. Even though I was standing next to her, it didn’t stop until I held her. The next time, my husband sat in Santa’s lap and held our daughter. No screams, no cries. Why? Because daddy was there to protect her.
At thirteen months, my daughter is a daddy’s girl. Every day like clockwork, she waits by the stairs from him to come in. Her first word when he walks through the door is “Da!”
Attaching and bonding can happen in many ways and many forms. It may not happen in the rate you want it to happen or when you want it to happen, but it will. When you’re afraid, who do you turn too? When you cry, who do you want? Changes, exhibit the need for comfort. Children know this and seek out comfort from their parents.
I know it can be harder with adoptive children, especially children that have lived in an orphange part or all of their lives. They have not yet learn how to attach and bond. They even maybe afraid. Telling them you won’t leave or never hurt them maybe words they have heard before, or never heard, but to them, it’s disbelief. I’ve always been fond of saying “Actions speaks louder than words” Instead of telling your child, show your child. Involve your child. If you’re going to the store, ask them to come along. You could really use their help. Plan a once a week affair where it just you and your child. Each child needs…I can’t stress that enough..NEEDS their own time with their parents. If you have other children at home, this could be hard.
Every week, my daughter and I have a day where it just me and her. Every week, she has a day when it just her and daddy. Has it helped? Yes. I still have days when it just me and my mom or me and my dad. Your child(ren) are individuals and should be treated as such. When you bring a new child(ren) into your home, don’t forget that your current child(ren) still need your attention as well as your new child(ren) need to feel they are loved and belong. Try planning activities to give each child their own individual time. I don’t claim that it will help, but it won’t hurt either. The most important thing is to still the security and trust of your love and confidence in your child(ren).
And…this is just my opinion and solely my opinion only, if you ARE worried about your child(ren) because you have or are adopting an older waiting child(ren) then consult with a licensed psychologist that specializes in children and adoption. Not only can they provide a wealth of information and help, but they can also help make the transition for your new addition less strenuous.
Don’t wait until you need to seek a residential treatment facility because of underlying problems. And if someone gives you their opinion, don’t discredit them because you feel they are giving you parenting advice or trying to tell you how to parent your child. Don’t insult them by saying demeaning things, instead, ask they why? Why did they come to the opinion they have? Do they have personal experience they could share? That same person may very well be the person that had problems attaching and bonding.
Remember, every child and situation is different. What works for us may not work for you and vice versa. It’s important to keep track of what you have tried so you aren’t repeating the same process and you can share with us what has worked for you.
For additional resources, I recommend reading
Attachment Parenting
Focus On The Family
This next link was a recommendation from other adoptive families. I’ve heard very good things about Heather Forbes, but have not yet used her services or information. If you have or are in the process, I’d love to hear your feedback.
The Mommy Chronicles 